Surrounded- A Mother's Love

Everyday begins the same way as the day before, and the day before that, and so on. The maddening cycle repeats in circles of chaos all around me. I feel like a felon surrounded, held at gun point, not knowing which direction to run. If I move forward, even slightly, the bullets will start flying at me. The criticizing tongues of those who think they know what's best for me. . . best for my future. Opinions bounce off the four walls I sometimes confine myself in, just for a reprieve. Their demands, their wants, their needs take over crowding my space; leaving little room for even the slightest breath to be exhaled. Terrifyingly painful breaths escape in panicked waves, as I try to remain calm, and move through the daily events orchestrated for me that I must endure.

Some might call this insanity, but I call it being a mother.

There is no job more demanding than that of a mother, with possibly one exception, being a single mother. There are countless moments when you want to tempt fate, take that step forward, and pray the sting of the bullets firing at you wont mortally wound you, but the fear of failing keeps you stuck in this ongoing nightmare.

This isn't to say that being a parent isn't a beautiful journey. I would be lying if I said otherwise. Sunshine, and rainbows are easy topics to discuss, but that is only a guise picture perfect personas want you to know, and see. The sun only comes out after the lightening crashes through the passing storm clouds as the nightmare fades. I'm taking you on a journey into the eye of the storm. Where the nightmare is your reality, and you're all alone in the dark.

The thought of becoming a mother, is usually a blessed moment, filled with wonder and expectation. You imagine what your children will look like, and what kind of people they will grow to become. Instinctively, you love your children before you even meet them, and vow to protect them from any possible harm. This is natural, and imbedded deep within our core; so much so, that sometimes this raw power can end in bloodshed, and tears. Leaving you weeping on the cold floor, with nothing but blood on your hands.

What happens when the inner demons that we face, as adults, as parents, as human beings somehow seeds itself into your tiny helpless child? What do you do then? Will you even know? I ask myself these questions a lot, and have only found one answer. . . There is no answer. Most things are out of our control, even if we damn near kill ourselves fighting for the upper hand. It's almost like fighting, and arguing with yourself, but you're actually fighting with the mini doppelganger you created, who is instinctively mirroring you. If you can't face your own inner demons, how in the hell are you supposed to help your children face theirs? This is the point when insanity takes ahold of you, and starts tearing you to shreds. You're at a loss, and don't know what direction to even think about taking, even if you see the problem. You start to break yourself down, and wonder where you went wrong. Did I not love my kids enough? Did I not hear their silent cries for help? What did I do wrong? Now it's turned inward, and the anxiety, the stress, the fear, the pain, and the anger are all slowly building up inside, burning through your soul. Your children watch this happening, as if they are fixed to the TV screen watching Saturday morning cartoons, but in all actuality they are witnessing the breakdown of their own strength being diminished. The cycle continues...

Now we are all backed into a corner, held at gunpoint. All too scared to move, or even breathe. One wrong move could crumble the foundation of the unstable ground we all cower upon.

The inner workings of anxiety are deep and dark. Not every mother faces such travesties, but all mothers do share one thing. . . The love, and devotion for our children.

Anxiety, and depression are very real. Sometimes it's difficult to recognize the warning signs, especially within yourself, and/or with your children. Don't let those you love fall through the cracks, and become a statistic. No matter what obstacle you may have to face, know that there is help out there. You just need to ask.